his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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