God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
