She said her name was "party"
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
