i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
