***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
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