What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
