i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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