new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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