Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
