Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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