My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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