Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
