I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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