I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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