I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
