i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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