your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
there is glitter all over my balls
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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