Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
