oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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