Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
