I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
