Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
