i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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