I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
