just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
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This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
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My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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