May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I need to align my fucking chakras
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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