Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
