i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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