my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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