I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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