He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
