Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
