ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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