Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
