Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
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Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
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Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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