Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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