my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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