Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
