Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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