Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
