dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Randomize
