Only a mothe r could love this liver
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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