My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
