if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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