I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
