And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
it hurts more in the daytime
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
