If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
