I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
