Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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