Will you blow on my dice?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
