STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
