He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
