i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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