I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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