No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
