I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
