moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
