Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
